Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
