Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I touched a dick in church today
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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