Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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