I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
