I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize