end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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