I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
