WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you didnt know i had herpes?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
