$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
