You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
