Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize