i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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