Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
