remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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