Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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