It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
