All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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