That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
