Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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