The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
