i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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