The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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