My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
