I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
