I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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