Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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