My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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