I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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