how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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