i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
