Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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