Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
