i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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