The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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