I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
