i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
