the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
