He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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