Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
