this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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