Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
