oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize