All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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