i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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