my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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