I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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