I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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