did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
