I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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