Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
