When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
