The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize