I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
