I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
