she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
