i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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