I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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