I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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