I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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