you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
