I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
