I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
