Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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