we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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